Monday, January 09, 2006

Kevin Costner & Waterworld Suck Ass
"Behold! I am Kevin Costner!"

Kevin Costner (and Waterworld) sucks on so many levels it almost unimaginable. I couldn't fall asleep so I thought I'd put a movie in. While searching, I came across Kevin Costner's 1995 thriller "Waterworld." I thought; not only will this put me top sleep, but I'll also get a few laughs out of it. I couldn't have been more wrong. I stayed awake for the whole movie. I kept laughing at Costner's dumb ass so much, that the movie kept me awake.

In the movie Costner attempts to act. He does a shitty job. Not only that, but how could you take him seriously? Look at that goon! But the real reason why it's so funny is because Costners' acting throughout the movie is so serious. He actually thinks he is acting in a blockbuster. Hey dumbass, it's WATERWORLD! It's like when he was reading the script he was thinking "Holy-shit, this has Oscar written all over it!"

Not only is the movie not to be taken seriously, but it's also a major rip-off from the truly classic apocalyptic movie, "The Road Warrior." Except instead of desert and bikes, there is water and boats. Both movies include ugly women (Waterworld:Jeanne Tripplehorn, Road Warrior: take your pick) and a dirty little kid (Waterworld: Enola, Road Warrior: The Ferel Kid). Enola sucked. The Ferel Kid would not only kick Enola's ass, but he'd also snap Costner's weak-ass spine after dining on his freshly gouged eyeballs. The Ferel Kid would eat Enola and shit Kevin Costner. Furthermore, Enola played with crayons. The Ferel Kid dug tunnels and played with a metal boomerang that had a razor edge for his amusement. No contest. The Road Warrior also starred Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson's character was everything Costner's character wanted to be. But because Costner is such a pansy, he couldn't pull it off. And one last thing; the bosses. Dennis Hopper (appearing in his 1,453 movie) gave an amusing but otherwise sorry-ass performance as "Deecon" in Waterworld. On the other hand, we have the man in the hockey mask, "Lord Humungus" from Road Warrior. Lord Humungus wore a mask because his face was so gross, it would make anybody choke to death on their own vomit if they were to lay eyes upon him. In addition, Humungus was ripped like a NFL linebacker and ate his own shit. Hopper ate leaves and smoked cigarettes. Pussy.


Blogger Boonie said...

I thought That you would like the movie, that is why I bought it for you. Sorry. But it is funny isnt it haha.

3:22 PM  

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