Friday, January 27, 2006

The M's Have It!
Mr. Millen says: "Please don't cost me my job."

While we could argue all day weather Matt Millen is doing a good job, one thing is for certain: Matt Millen loves people whose last names start with the letter M. In fact, he will only hire coaches whose last names start with the letter M. There was a time when Millen would only consider candidates whose first and last names started with the letter M (like Matt Millen himself). That is how Marty Mornhinweg got his first (and last) gig as an NFL coach. Since then, Millen has loosened up a smidge and now allows himself to look beyond what the first letter in a prospective coaches' first name may be. However, he's not willing to go completelty bananas. Millen still insists that all coaches he hire have a last name that begins with the letter M. The list of Matt Millen's coaching hires goes as follows:

  • Marty Mornhinweg
  • Steve Mariucci
  • Rod Marinelli

If C was good enough for Cookie Monster, than M is good enough for Millen. I'm not going to rip the hire (yet). I don't know much about Marinelli other than he is a Vietnam Veteran and he has coached in Tampa Bay for ten years along side Tony Dungy & Lovie Smith (among others). So it would seem that Marinelli has the coaching pedigree thing down. And now, a question: Mr. Marinelli, your team has just won the coin toss in overtime. Do you elect to kick or receive? Marinelli must have been thinking to himself "gee, if a say 'true' that kinda makes me Millen's type of guy. On the other hand, it also makes me a complete moron..." Well whatever Marinelli said, Millen must have approved because Millen made Marinelli the head coach of the Detroit Lions.

And so the Marinelli Era has begun! But before that choice was made, many believed that Millen needed to hit one out of the park. Only time will tell if he has done so. If he has chosen well, it better start showing up in the 'win' column. And quick. If not, Millen may be out a job even before his latest hire. To which he might respond: "Damn! I should've hired Mike Mularky!"

By the way, did you notice the "Meijer" logo along side the Lion's logo in the picture? That's pretty generic. I mean, Meijer is like Kmart's cousin. I hope the Lion's aren't attempting to impress anyone with their Meijer affiliation. Bank One, Invesco, U.S. Cellular; those names are a little more impressive than Meijer. But than again, Meijer does start with an M.

Friday, January 20, 2006

With Rex Grossman struggling the way he
was, maybe the Bears should have considered
letting Jake Plummer take a few snaps.
...and so I told her, if you want me to bring
cookies, I will. But I'm not going to be
responsible for cookies and a main dish.
The Hunchback & The Sausage King
Fozy the Bear says, "waka-waka-waka!"
Nice skirt pussy.
After reviewing tape from the Steelers December 24th win over
the Browns, the NFL admitted that the officials should have
awarded the Steelers two points for James Harrison's take down.
The NFL regrets this error.
Is it wrong for two men?
It's a lot further than that.
Olin 'Jaw Breaker' Kreutz
Hey! HEY! I'll give you....I will give you the ball
if, IF, you PROMISE me you won't break your ankle.
Jeremiah was a bullfrog.

Zzzzzz............... ..........................I'm up!
Humpty-Dumpty played for the Patriots.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Weather Men are Wasting Our Oxygen
Dork (above)
Weather men often remind me of mosquitoes. Why do they exist? What purpose do they serve other than as an annoyance? Weather men usually exhibit thirteen (or more) of the following unenviable characteristics:
  1. self-centered
  2. self-indulgent
  3. pompous
  4. filled with delusions of grandeur
  5. consumed by the thought that their existence actually has relevance
  6. consumed by the thought that their existence has purpose
  7. incorrect 90% of the time
  8. arrogant
  9. delusional
  10. dumb
  11. people who get way too much air time
  12. dorky
  13. egocentric
  14. over paid

Being a weather man is a lot like having a penis that you can not use because it's always limp. Take the champ in the picture for example. Rick the Limp Dick Weather Man Mecklenburg. Rick made the following statement: "Not a lot of snow in the near future. There's gonna be a lot of angry skiers out looking for me." Wow. Take a moment to let that one settle. Who does this guy think he is? ATTENTION RICK: YOU DO NOT DETERMINE THE WEATHER. YOU ARE NOT GOD. This guy thinks that people will be angry with him because of the weather. He thinks that people think he can manipulate the weather! Why would people be mad at you, Rick? YOU ARE NOT THE MANUFACTURER OF WEATHER! Talk about delusions of grandeur.

And what's all this shit about "I'm a Meteorologist"? Ever notice how weather men always introduce themselves as "Meteorologist (fill in the name)"? You are a fucking weather man! Meteorologist is a bullshit title and everyone knows it. Besides, who the fuck introduces themselves with a job title before their name anyways? Usually arrogant pricks. But mostly just the President and Meteorologists. I guess the meteorologist is pompous enough to believe that he is on a similar level as the President of the United States. It just kills me how they use their bullshit title as if it serves as some form of prestige. Who are they kidding?

And on a final note, you'll notice that I didn't even bother to go into detail about the fact that weather men are always WRONG about the weather. I figured, why bother? This is common knowledge. But here is the thing I can't figure: How can someone know that society thinks of them as a joke and yet they still take their job and themselves seriously? I don't know, but it takes a weather man to do it.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Herm Edwards is Full of Shit
(but I still like him)
And an Issue Concerning Kansas City's Hiring Practices

"My name is Herm and I'm full of shit."

Less than 2 years ago Kansas City Chiefs Head Coach Herm Edwards, while still serving as the Head Coach for the New York Jets, complained to management about a contract extension. He claimed it was about "commitment." He wanted the Jets to make a commitment to him and give him a fatter contract. Cut to the present day and Herm has left the Jets for the Kansas City Chiefs. Hey Herm, where's the commitment?! It's hard to talk about family and commitment (especially to a team) and expect them to execute what you have preached when you have contradicted your own beliefs, Herm. Herm. Hermmm, it makes me wonder...

So why do I like Herm anyway? He makes me laugh. And not just because he contradicts himself. But because the way he talks to the media amuses me. I like the way he raises his voice and gets short-tempered with reporters. The faces he makes when gets peeved make me laugh. I look forward to him taking his frustration out on the Kansas City media. Go, Herm, go!

In closing, I would like to add this item that has seemed to fly under everyone's radar: Herm is black. Not only is Herm black, but an NFL team has actually traded a draft pick to acquire his services as a coach. I'm inclined to say that NFL teams have come a long way in regard to hiring the best candidate for the job, regardless of color. The NFL has actually reached a point where one team is so desperate to get a coach that it is willing to give away a draft pick to do so - for a black coach. Good for the NFL. (And so we're clear; I don't believe in hiring black coaches - I believe in hiring the best coach, black or white.) But why hasn't anyone else mentioned this? Where's the NAACP now? Where's Jesse Jackson? Why haven't they released a statement praising (if not the NFL) than at least the Kansas City Chiefs? Make no mistake, this is a milestone. An achievement for black coaches and the NFL that has not seemed to even raise an eyebrow. This is simply going unnoticed. The question is why. The answer is that the hiring of Herm Edwards by the Kansas City Chiefs gives no one (except maybe Jets fans) anything to bitch about. And people of all races and sexes LOVE to bitch. It's an American pastime. Maybe the greatest American pastime of all. But why hasn't the media picked this up as maybe a 'feel-good' story about the NFL and how far they have come? I don't have an answer for that question. After all the NFL coaching vacancies are filled I'm sure that we'll hear all about how many black coaches got hired. ESPN will interview people and people will (you guessed it) bitch. But I've already strayed too far from the topic. However I do have one final thought regarding Kansas City's hiring of Herm Edwards: How many white coaches were interviewed by the Kansas City Chiefs for this job?

"Hey, Mike?" - "Ya." - "You suck."
Thanks to a Mike Vanderjagt missed kick - if that's what you want to call it - the Indianapolis Colts have been eliminated from the play-offs. I couldn't resist piling on the 'liquored-up kicker.' For those looking for excuses, finally, the real reason the Colts have been eliminated from the play-offs: THE STEELERS KICKED THEIR ASSES.
The Pittsburgh defense was awesome and the Colts got their asses handed to them at the line of scrimmage. It is very difficult to win a football game when you are being dominated by your opposition up front.
Furthermore, Pittsburgh's game plan was executed to perfection. Not only were the Colts out executed, they looked over-matched. Hard to believe all this coming from a team that got their asses kicked by the Colts earlier in the season.
ESPN's Dan Patrick said it best when commenting on the game. "The thing that hurts the most is that this was supposed to be their year. All the stars were aligned." Home field advantage throughout the play-offs and even an in-door Super Bowl. Many experts expressed that if the Colts were to ever win a Super Bowl, they'd have to do so by playing on their home turf. 14-2, mission accomplished. But it still did not make a difference. Forget winning the Super Bowl, why can't the Colts make it to the Super Bowl. Colt's fans, as much as they hate to admit it, need to look no further than the man on the sidelines. The Colts have been out-schemed, out-executed and out-coached in the play-offs for three consecutive seasons. Who else is left to blame? Everybody likes Tony Dungy. He's a likeable guy. But how much slack will everyone continue to give him? The 'window of opportunity' in the NFL only lasts so long. I feel certain that Dungy will be back next year. However, if the results are similar to this years disappointing play-off loss, the Colts must cut their ties. Dungy has done nothing but prove he is not one of the NFL's elite coaches. It's on him to prove otherwise. The clock is ticking.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

"My daddy didn't teach me to football."

Is this man Terry Bradshaw's son
or what?
If you recognize this fella that's because you have seen him on tv. He is the 'Hemi-Guy.' Well known for his catchphrase, "that thing gotta Hemi?!"
Last week it hit me. This guy is Terry Bradshaw's son! Not only does he act like Terry (loud and annoying) but he also looks just like the Fox NFL analyst.
Next time you see this guy on tv acting like a jackass, just think to yourself; 'he's Terry's son.'

Monday, January 09, 2006

Kevin Costner & Waterworld Suck Ass
"Behold! I am Kevin Costner!"

Kevin Costner (and Waterworld) sucks on so many levels it almost unimaginable. I couldn't fall asleep so I thought I'd put a movie in. While searching, I came across Kevin Costner's 1995 thriller "Waterworld." I thought; not only will this put me top sleep, but I'll also get a few laughs out of it. I couldn't have been more wrong. I stayed awake for the whole movie. I kept laughing at Costner's dumb ass so much, that the movie kept me awake.

In the movie Costner attempts to act. He does a shitty job. Not only that, but how could you take him seriously? Look at that goon! But the real reason why it's so funny is because Costners' acting throughout the movie is so serious. He actually thinks he is acting in a blockbuster. Hey dumbass, it's WATERWORLD! It's like when he was reading the script he was thinking "Holy-shit, this has Oscar written all over it!"

Not only is the movie not to be taken seriously, but it's also a major rip-off from the truly classic apocalyptic movie, "The Road Warrior." Except instead of desert and bikes, there is water and boats. Both movies include ugly women (Waterworld:Jeanne Tripplehorn, Road Warrior: take your pick) and a dirty little kid (Waterworld: Enola, Road Warrior: The Ferel Kid). Enola sucked. The Ferel Kid would not only kick Enola's ass, but he'd also snap Costner's weak-ass spine after dining on his freshly gouged eyeballs. The Ferel Kid would eat Enola and shit Kevin Costner. Furthermore, Enola played with crayons. The Ferel Kid dug tunnels and played with a metal boomerang that had a razor edge for his amusement. No contest. The Road Warrior also starred Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson's character was everything Costner's character wanted to be. But because Costner is such a pansy, he couldn't pull it off. And one last thing; the bosses. Dennis Hopper (appearing in his 1,453 movie) gave an amusing but otherwise sorry-ass performance as "Deecon" in Waterworld. On the other hand, we have the man in the hockey mask, "Lord Humungus" from Road Warrior. Lord Humungus wore a mask because his face was so gross, it would make anybody choke to death on their own vomit if they were to lay eyes upon him. In addition, Humungus was ripped like a NFL linebacker and ate his own shit. Hopper ate leaves and smoked cigarettes. Pussy.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Pete Carroll & John Kerry: Separated at Birth or What?

The smile, the way they comb their hair, the chin, the nose, the ears, the long face. Just about every damn thing!
I guess the only thing they don't have in common is the eye brows. My thoughts: apparently Pete Carroll has never been kicked in the face by a donkey...just a longhorn.
Norm Chow Agrees to Contract Extension With Titans
Norm Chow (above) shown celebrating.

ESPN's Chris Mortenson has reported that Tennessee Titan Offensive Coordinator Norm Chow has agreed to a contract extension that will keep him with the team throughout the 2010 season. The contract will pay Chow $1.5 million dollars per year.

A Man's Man: A Tribute To Mr. Reggie Glon
Notice no teeth when he smiles. That's because
all teeth have been lost due to snacking on nails.

Head Coach for the Mishawaka Marian Knights Football team, Mr. Reggie Glon. A man I truly admire. I admire him so much that I would go so far as to say he's doing a terrible job as coach. I only say this because one time I complimented him, his response was, "My drill instructor told me that if any one ever tells me that I'm doing a good job, I should punch them in the mouth because they're making me soft!" So out of respect, I say he's doing a terrible job. That, and I don't want to get punched in the mouth (for complimenting him). Makes sense. Oh yes, I did say Drill Instructor didn't I? Yes, he's a Marine. One time, he squared off against another coach on the football team (Coach Hintz). To give you an idea regarding size, it was like Lou Holtz (Coach Glon) versus ABC's Aaron Taylor (Coach Hintz). To sum it up, Coach Glon, as he put it, "invited the 'bear-hug' so I could get him close." Right where he wanted him. Then, Coach Glon defeated the mightiest of men by means a double fish-hook. Starting to get the idea? I would go to war with this man, just not against him. In addition to being able to kick your ass, Coach Glon is also a great leader and an excellent teacher. Above all, he is a good person. He has taught me many things about both football and life. My favorite: "Don't feel sorry for yourself." "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" has become a mantra for me when things are not going well. It has helped me start to work on the solution, rather than dwelling on the problem. Coach Glon has been a great influence.

Likes: football, warfare, explosives, snacking on nails, the smell of naplam in the morning, the triple-option attack

Dislikes: sunsets, cuddling, puppies, linemen who miss their assignments, The Easter Bunny

My Beloved Dog, Kuato

My dog "Kuato" (above) also goes by the name "Pretty-Girl."

Likes: Purina, Beggin-Strips, belly scratches, butt sniffing.

Dislikes: Cohaagen

My Sister Katie
Katie was left on our door step on a December night in 1985. We raised her as our own. She has been a pain-in-the-ass ever since. She attends Purdue University. She is a Sophomore. Her GPA is 3.93...on a 12 point scale. She, like my younger sister, also plays lacrosse. Unlike my younger sister, she is more the delicate, feminine type. She is also practically a midget. So there is hardly any reason to fear her. Unless you are a man and she bites you (ouch)! She has the 'Hillary Clinton' thing going for her. By that I mean, whomever she dates, she tends to be running the show. Bill Clinton is wild and a smooth customer and all, but you know, when he gets home, Hillary is the boss. That's my sister. We tend not to see eye to eye. One year she actually bought me toilet paper for Christmas (four pack, Charmin). That was funny. But this year she came through with some cool gifts, so she's not the devil (any more).
My sister Katie (above): "It's a trap!"
A well respected leader in the community.
My Big Little Brother
6'-3", 295 pounds. Yikes. Here's one little brother who hardly got picked on. My brother is a Freshman at Ball State. He has a 2.85 GPA and plays right tackle on the football team. We have a good relationship because if I pissed him off, he could rip off my head and shit down my neck. I realize if we ever got into a fight, my only chance would be to kick him square in his nuts. And from there, I could probably out run him. I hope. We have had many adventures. Mostly, we talk football. He thinks he's smarter than me (regarding football) and he's probably correct. Damnest thing though, whenever we play NCAA 2006 I aways beat him. From what I hear, I'm the only person who beats him (at least on a regular basis). But like a Wookie, sometimes you have to let him win. He aspires to be a coach when he graduates. I expect that he will do so. I also think he will do long as I'm not on the opposing sidelines.
Guess who got the drumstick at Thanksgiving dinner.
Titans Coordinator Offered Head Coaching Job
Thursday, Titans offensive Coordinator Norm Chow was offered the Head Coaching job for the Minnesota Vikings. Sources inside the Titans organization report that Norm is trying to work out a deal to stay with the Tennessee Titans. The terms would include matching any offer made by the Vikings. Sources close to Norm say that while it is a goal of his to become a Head Coach, now is not the right time for him.
Norm Chow tells Jeff Fisher, (seated) "Show me the money."

My youngest Sibling
This is my sister, Sara. AKA: Susie, Nancy, Tina.
She plays lacrosse, so she's not one of those 'delicate' types. She'll mess ya up. Take this picture for example. It looks as if she's telling the photographer "hey, that's enough of that shit." This is a picture of Sara with her (former) boyfriend, the Goff. (My sister is the one in the dress.)

Thursday, January 05, 2006

You take the oranges.
I'm going to see if they
have any prunes...
Vince has yet to reveal his due date.
"...and I love you with all my heart. Will you marry me?"
USC Head Coach Pete Carroll couldn't believe his
eyes. Reggie Bush pulled out some playground shit
and attempted to pitch the ball to a teammate.
The ploy back-fired miserably as the Trojans
blew a scoring opportunity. The conversation on
the sidelines must have went a little like this:
"Hey Reggie, save that shit for the Texans!"
Who's the Heisman now bitch?!

In-Vince-able Longhorns defeat Trojans 41-38
The Texas Longhorns capped a perfect season by defeating the defending Champs, USC in dramatic fashion. On fourth down, trailing 33-38, Vince Youngs' 9 yard run provided the winning margin. Effectively ending USC's three-year reign of darkness over the college football world. The victory also secured Texas' first National Championship since 1970. Young completed 30 of 40 passes for 267 yards. He also carried the ball for 200 yards on just 19 attempts and rushed for three touchdowns, one two-point conversion and one National Championship trophy.