Friday, February 10, 2006

Honestly, Hines Vermeil. Do you have to cry at the end of every season? I mean come on! Last year, you cried for Bettis. This year, you cried for.....Bettis. What's next? Who do you suppose cries more; Hines or his the infant he is carrying?
That is Pretty Fucking Gay (& Gross)

And I'll tell you something else, why even have "The Rolling Stones" perform at the Super Bowl? News flash: the Super Bowl was in Detroit. You know, Motown. And we have some 65 year old farts from across the Atlantic come over to perform? With a goddamn belly shirt! Look at all those people in the picture cheering Mick's queer ass on. "Mick, we are so hypnotized by your exotic, queer ways!" What a disappointment.
"I once ate a baby!"
White people embarrass me.
If If's & But's Were Candy & Nuts It Would Be Christmas Everyday (Right, Seahawks?)
"I'm taking this trophy because someone has to and you shithawks don't deserve it!"

Two things: 1) Yes, the officiating was shitty 2) If you're looking for someone to blame, you have to start with yourself

Despite the calls that went against them, Seattle still played like shit! You have to overcome penalties! Look what Pittsburgh did at Indianapolis. Pittsburgh overcame homer calls and won the game. They didn't have to use the homer calls as an excuse because they overcame adversity. AMERICA WAS BUILT ON PEOPLE OVERCOMING ADVERSITY. SO EXCUSE ME IF I DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR THE SEAHAWKS AND (SOME) OF THEIR CRY BABY, PUSSY FANS. FUCK YOU. OVERCOME. Those are my thoughts.

My Father, Finally Revealed
It has been requested that I post pictures of all my family members. The most requests have been for my dad. So there ya go. He has a nice beard. As evidenced by this picture, my dad could totally kick Popeye's ass. I still remember the day that picture was taken. The smell of saltwater filled the air. We were having pictures taken (the normal family photo bullshit) and I kept laughing at my dad because he looked ridiculous in his striped shit. I remember him getting pissed. About the time the picture you are looking at was taken, he was telling me, "there is nothing gay about my outfit, you little bastard!" Boy was I ever wrong. Look how pissed he is. Look at those guns! How about that hat?! There's something about the hat (or maybe the beard) that makes me think about lunch ladies. I wish I was a lunch lady. I make good salisbury steak and I know how to set a mouse trap. I think that pretty much qualifies me. I guess I've got something to think about this weekend.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Kate Moss Does NOT Use Drugs

What powder?

So Who is this Bettis Guy Anyway?
Kidding. But seriously, I can't use the urinal without hearing the name 'Jerome Bettis.' Attention Media: Take it easy! Lay-off a bit for crissake! Anyway, during the barrage of media stories regarding Bettis (or as my 96 year old neighbor now refers to him as "the bus") one story struck me as less redundant. It wasn't about the Super Bowl being in Detroit or any of the other unimaginative, repeating, unoriginal shit-ass stories you have read/heard. It was about Jerome Bettis, the student. The story goes on to tell how Bettis, as a nappy-headed grade school boy, used to carry a brief case to school. My mom (who loves such stories) talked to me about the article she had read. Her response was that she doubted anyone "made fun of him" because of the brief case. I beg to differ.
And You Thought Gollum Had Some Bad Chompers
Meet Paul Allen!
Please stop smiling, Paul. Please.

For those of you who don't know who Paul Allen is, let me tell you. He is the owner of the Seattle Seahawks. And as if that is not enough, he also is one of the co-founders of Microsoft. So one would be inclined to assume that Mr. Allen would have enough money to buy some friggin' Crest White Strips!

Now, allow me to provide a quick idiot test. If your response was, "he's got enough money to do whatever he wants." You, my friend are an idiot. I can't stand people who say stupid shit like that. You're missing the big picture. Post-it pad goldenrod is not an aesthetically pleasing color for one's teeth. Regardless of how much money one might have. Furthermore, the situation is fucked up because Paul Allen is filthy rich! There is no reason the man should be walking around looking like he's been chewing on dandelions! Buy some friggin' White Strips!

If Seattle winning the Super Bowl means Paul Allen will be smiling, PLEASE let the Steelers win!For the love of God, PLEASE!

Friday, January 27, 2006

The M's Have It!
Mr. Millen says: "Please don't cost me my job."

While we could argue all day weather Matt Millen is doing a good job, one thing is for certain: Matt Millen loves people whose last names start with the letter M. In fact, he will only hire coaches whose last names start with the letter M. There was a time when Millen would only consider candidates whose first and last names started with the letter M (like Matt Millen himself). That is how Marty Mornhinweg got his first (and last) gig as an NFL coach. Since then, Millen has loosened up a smidge and now allows himself to look beyond what the first letter in a prospective coaches' first name may be. However, he's not willing to go completelty bananas. Millen still insists that all coaches he hire have a last name that begins with the letter M. The list of Matt Millen's coaching hires goes as follows:

  • Marty Mornhinweg
  • Steve Mariucci
  • Rod Marinelli

If C was good enough for Cookie Monster, than M is good enough for Millen. I'm not going to rip the hire (yet). I don't know much about Marinelli other than he is a Vietnam Veteran and he has coached in Tampa Bay for ten years along side Tony Dungy & Lovie Smith (among others). So it would seem that Marinelli has the coaching pedigree thing down. And now, a question: Mr. Marinelli, your team has just won the coin toss in overtime. Do you elect to kick or receive? Marinelli must have been thinking to himself "gee, if a say 'true' that kinda makes me Millen's type of guy. On the other hand, it also makes me a complete moron..." Well whatever Marinelli said, Millen must have approved because Millen made Marinelli the head coach of the Detroit Lions.

And so the Marinelli Era has begun! But before that choice was made, many believed that Millen needed to hit one out of the park. Only time will tell if he has done so. If he has chosen well, it better start showing up in the 'win' column. And quick. If not, Millen may be out a job even before his latest hire. To which he might respond: "Damn! I should've hired Mike Mularky!"

By the way, did you notice the "Meijer" logo along side the Lion's logo in the picture? That's pretty generic. I mean, Meijer is like Kmart's cousin. I hope the Lion's aren't attempting to impress anyone with their Meijer affiliation. Bank One, Invesco, U.S. Cellular; those names are a little more impressive than Meijer. But than again, Meijer does start with an M.

Friday, January 20, 2006

With Rex Grossman struggling the way he
was, maybe the Bears should have considered
letting Jake Plummer take a few snaps.
...and so I told her, if you want me to bring
cookies, I will. But I'm not going to be
responsible for cookies and a main dish.
The Hunchback & The Sausage King
Fozy the Bear says, "waka-waka-waka!"
Nice skirt pussy.
After reviewing tape from the Steelers December 24th win over
the Browns, the NFL admitted that the officials should have
awarded the Steelers two points for James Harrison's take down.
The NFL regrets this error.
Is it wrong for two men?
It's a lot further than that.
Olin 'Jaw Breaker' Kreutz
Hey! HEY! I'll give you....I will give you the ball
if, IF, you PROMISE me you won't break your ankle.